Playstation All Star's Battle Royale's Sackboy

JUST IN!!!: Snuggle machine Sackboy is mind raping you and wants to burn you with hot coal

You just can’t get away from snuggly little characters, ca ya? Whether it’s that yellow, cat / rat / electric cuddle addict Pikachu, Yoshi and his plump green dino body, or Sackboy, who’s now heaing to Playstation All Stars Battle Royale, the only thing for certain is that cute critters rule the gaming world. And how do they rule the world? By tricking you into thinking their cute and then beating the crap out of you. Pikachu went around electoructing everyone. Yoshi EATS PEOPLE. And Sackboy. . . well, guess what? He’s preparing to set you on fire in Playstation All Stars Battle Royale. 

It’s not “CUTE” if it Ends in you being set on fire!

These cute little bastards are a serious threat. Be on the lookout for signs that a character is trying to manipulate you into thinking its cute so it can then MURDER YOU.  .


The signs of a “cute” character that really wants to kill you

Big doughy eyes: Awwww . . . look at his big round eyes. Just like Kirby had big round eyes, just like Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Kasumi and everyone else has big eyes. Big eyes hijack your mind and make you think someone is in love with you (because when we are attracted to someone our eyes dilate; that’s PSYCHOLOGY, folks!). Yup, these supposedly cute characters are mind raping you into believing you love them.

Big Smile with the Tongue out:  Here’s another body language gesture all cute characters use: they smile a big beaming smile, with their tongues showing. Of course, the smile is just friendly and the tongue is like a big dog panting say, “look at me, I’m soooo excited I wanna play n stuff!”  Which would be great because we love playing with cute stuff, just so long as it doesn’t end in death by electrocution.

Soft Body: To truly pull off cuteness, a character needs to show that they’re no threat to you. To do that, they either have big soft bodies like kirby or a frail little body that couldn’t hurt a fly. Sackboy, of coure, falls into that second category. Yay, he can’t hurt you. . . except that in Playstation All Starts Battle Royale he throws flaming coals on you! How the fudge is that cute?!


See; this is what happens when you think a character like Sackboy is just cute: he hijacks your mind, makes you love him for his cuteness then sets you on fire with hot coal.

Here’s an idea: The next time you cuddle something, THINK! Is that cute cuddler actually trying to set you on fire?!

Paul Harrison

Paul M Harrison is an entertainment journalist, novelist, and blogger, and a specialist in the theory of storytelling. Paul Harrison can be contacted via his personal website or on Twitter or Facebook.

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